Print Publication: The Virtual Breastfeeding Culture

I am thrilled to announce that I have a six page spread (and two images) in this newly released book on breasfeeding in the digital age. This is my first hard-copy print publication outside of a newspaper (I've been published a few times in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette). Included in this book is my very personal story of overcoming obstacles to breastfeeding using virtual support. As I've said before, nursing has in many ways defined my role as a mother and helped me to build confidence. Nursing seamlessly grew into a parenting style that supports attachment and connection above all else.

My piece has gotten really great feedback both here and abroad. An excerpt was featured here on the Motherlove Herbal website and it appeared/was linked on almost every major breastfeeding outlet including Breastfeeding USA, LLL international, International Board Lactation Consultants, and even shared in New Zealand! Mayim helped to promote the book on her page and overall it has been very successful.

It is something I am very proud to be a part of and I'm happy to get my sea legs under me in the print world. Jeremy was a huge encouragement to me and to everyone who has supported me as a writer, Thank you, thank you!!

La Leche League

My difficulties with nursing turned into a defining time for me as a woman, a mother. I've written a lot about my struggle and eventual success but none of that would have been possible if it hadn't been for La Leche League.

Within days of us moving to Pittsburgh I had a lactation consultant from the Health Department come to our house for a home visit. I had seen LOTS of lactation consultants in Ohio but the were all very focused on the milk and the technicalities of it all and I think what they missed was how desperately I wanted to succeed.

Jeremy and I discussed that this visit, being on a Friday, was our last try. We'd give it the weekend and after that I would exclusively pump for Owen with some peace of mind in knowing I did everything I could. Her name was Becky and as she brought out her scale and sat down next to me on our couch she said, "He nurses beautifully." I burst into tears and told her how he screams impatienlty. She told me to have faith, to cut out the bottles and let him nurse and sleep on me all weekend. She told me I was a good Mama and she had faith in us.

Owen never took a bottle again after that day.

That same week I went to my first LLL meeting. It was down the street from our apartment and I walked that familiar walk month after month. I listened as other women shared their stories and I watched them mother with a confidence I so badly wanted. Those women were my first friends here in Pittsburgh.

When Owen was around 18 months old I was asked to be a leader. I had been reading and writing about nursing so much it felt like the perfect time. My candidacy was announced at our annural meeting and when I walked into the room to watch other women take their oath/candle ceremony --- there was Becky leading them.

Becky who came to my house and taught me how to mother my child at the breast was a veteran La Leche Leader. I burst into tears upon seeing her again.

After over a year of study and mentorship, I began leading meetings here in Pittsburgh in January. On April 27, 2013 I lit my candle indoctrinating me into a group that has been helping women nurse their babies for over fifty years.

Recently, I received this email from a Mama:

I just wanted to follow-up with you since our phone call on Thursday. I've tried to incorporate a lot of your suggestions and baby is nursing MUCH better! I (fingers crossed) think we're on our way to getting back on track with breastfeeding! I cannot thank you enough for the insight and advice you gave me - just having an understanding of what is going on with him has helped me immensely. I felt so lost and frustrated last week and now I truly feel more confident and hopeful- Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 

I am so happy to support any woman who wishes to nurse her baby. Supporting other women has helped to heal my heart and my involvement with LLL has forever changed me as a woman and mother.

Me and my co-leaders after my candle cermony

Letter: Three Weeks of Happy

Dearest Gillen,

I've been writing this letter to you in my mind since the moment I laid eyes on you but I'm afraid with a newborn and a toddler to take care of, a delayed letter from your Mama is only the first of many things that will come fashionably late, my precious second born. 

Three weeks later and I'm still riding the high of your birth. Everything about the day you were born was absolutely perfect. You picked the ideal time of the day to arrive. I had a good night's rest, woke, showered, ate breakfast and was able to get your brother settled allowing me peace of mind to focus on you and only you.

The afternoon light coming into the delivery room was just beautiful. With each contraction I focused on meeting you, getting to see your tiny hands and sharing you with your Daddy. You didn't disappoint, my love. You are more beautiful that I could have imagined. You have my hairline (complete with widow's peak) and almond eyes. You have your Daddy's long fingers and toes. Your whispy hair is auburn in the light and I'm anxious to see if it will stay that way.

Your cry is the loudest cry I've ever heard. You only use it when you're hungry. You're hungry a lot. You latched right from the start and have nursed perfectly ever since. My milk came in on the second day, much to your delight and it has filled you out quite nicely. I'm so happy to nurse you whenever you want day and night. I needed you to nurse well. I needed you to eat, and not be jaundice and to gain weight. And you did. You are so strong and solid. I honestly cannot believe you are my child, back to birth weight in 72 hours and already outgrown your newborn diapers. Part of it was you, but a lot of it was me.Your brother taught me how to dance this dance. How to love and nurse and care for someone new. You can thank him for that. I know I have.

You sleep. You sleep unswaddled and right from the start you've given me a four hour stretch of sleep all but twice. I'm tired but less tired than I thought I'd be with two. Because you're eating and sleeping. The naps you take on my chest are some of my favorite. I love smelling you underneath my chin, cuddling your snuggly body. 

Your Daddy and I are basking in your every stretch and grunt. We fight over who gets to hold you, nap with you, coo and smile at you. We're enjoying having a newborn. We know it will be gone all too quickly. We missed out on some of this with your brother because we were too busy being clumsy first-time parents. We wished it away amidst our struggles. Not this time, we're holding on tight to your smell and your milky sleep smiles. We notice how different you look each day and we celebrate each roll that emerges on your body. You are an absolutely beautiful boy. We can't wait to learn more about you and see your personality emerge, yet we want to stop time and soak in every minute of now with you. 

From the moment you were born I thought to myself "I am so HAPPY." You filled every corner of my heart with love and every day since I cannot stop thinking about how happy I am. Just happy. With you, because of you, because of everything surrounding your birth up until now. All happiness.

I knew it would be wonderful, I just didn't know how wonderful. I'm so glad you chose us, we love you so completely and effortlessly. Thank you for the happiness you brought with you, it was a welcomed surprise.

All my love,
Mama

Gillen's Newborn Visit

Because we left the hospital after 24 hours, our pediatrician wanted to see Gillen in the office two days later just to check on him. Everything checked out beautifully - his length was still 21 inches and he weighed 8 lbs 3 oz. No bilirubin concerns at all.

Yep. Our boy was back to birth weight within 72 hours! YAY MAMA MILK!!

Our pediatrician said she usually likes to see newborns back in 2 weeks for a weight check but because he was already back to birth weight, she'll see us at his 1 month visit.

The rest of the appointment was spent talking about how Owen is adjusting to the new baby. He's been very emotional and acting out. His eating and sleeping are a little wonky and you can tell there is a lot going on in his little mind. She said it takes about six weeks for toddlers to get over the newness of it all and after that point they usually don't harbor memories of how it used to be.

Let's hope she's right....

La Leche League New Beginnings

My story about Breastfeeding Through Pregnancy and Loss is featured in the March 2012 edition of LLL USA New Beginnings. I am so honored to be published here (page 10) and proud that Owen is 24 months old and still nursing as I approach my 15th week of pregnancy with our new little one.

New Beginnings March 2012

....SIX baby bellies

I've written about my experience with informal milk sharing and up until now I've always donated milk to babies I know. 

I stopped pumping in May with a freezer FULL of milk.

Owen has yet to drink any of it.

After donating to friends, I was saving the last 1,000 ounces for when Owen weaned.

Owen hasn't weaned.

So I joined a social-networking group for Pennsylvania women to share breastmilk

Human Milk 4 Human Babies

 I saw a post that said this:

I'm in need of milk for my 1 month old son. I am unable to breastfeed him due to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and a previous segmental mastectomy to remove a breast mass. I had a c-section and he was in the NICU for 9 days due to low blood sugar. I tried to nurse him and pumped but only produced a few drops each time. Please help us.

I contacted her to ask if she would like my summer/fall milk from last year.

She was thrilled and today she and her husband came to collect 

500 ounces of breastmilk

I didn't ask her any questions. 

She didn't know anything about me or my family.

I didn't know anything about her other than she lives in Pittsburgh and the above information about her baby.

I even thought about backing out, how weird was it to give 4 gallons of breastmilk - to a stranger?

But as Jeremy loaded the milk into her coolers

she thanked me and said,

"Would you like to take a peek at the baby?"

Of course!

And as I opened the car door to gaze upon her tiny sleeping boy she said,

"his name is Owen."

Milk-Friendly? Why Yes, Yes I am

I am so totally jazzed because I'm Guest Posting over on Milk-Friendly today!

 {Guest Post: I Don't Just Whip It Out}

If you haven't checked out Milk-Friendly you most certainly should! Maryam is a nursing Mama with two beautiful boys who refuses to sacrifice fashion for accessible boobies. She is full of tips and tricks for maintaining your style while nursing your babes (and she's nursing a toddler, which makes her EXTRA cool in my book!)

If you are here from Milk-Friendly, WELCOME! I wouldn't say I have style per say, but I'm constantly working on it (I wore red lipstick on a date last week!) I'm currently nursing my 17-month old son, Owen, and have written lots about our nursing relationship both here and over at Kveller.com.

{More about our nursing relationship}

When my son was born, he struggled to latch and lost a lot of weight and some people felt I was doing the wrong thing by continuing to nurse him. He rejected the nipple shield at 8 weeks and with the help of my wonderfully supportive husband, a lactation consultant, my Le Leche League group and lots of pumping and supplementing he finally latched on his own at 11 weeks. Nursing has been such a blessing for us and when my little turned a year old, neither of us had any intentions of stopping. We've nursed through illness and tantrums, on vacation in Asheville and even in Target. Through informal milk-sharing four babies other than my son have also benefited from my milk. Last month we lost a pregnancy and while it was heartbreaking and sad, nursing helped get me through.  I am a huge advocate of nursing whether its three drops or three years, and I'd love to chat about it.

Thanks for stopping by our little corner of the internet and feel free to leave a comment or say "Hello!"

Nursing through a loss

Once I found out that our pregnancy was not viable, my grief of carrying an empty sack was compounded by my frustrated nursling.

It took us seven months to conceive Owen, so when we decided to start trying for a second baby in my head I thought, "Sure, we can try... and I will still have seven more months to nurse Owen. He should wean himself by then..."  And when we were pregnant two weeks later I found myself in a panic about my 14-month old, the baby I have held in my arms every night and nursed to sleep. The baby that might look like a boy through the camera lens but when I glance down at him nursing, looks exactly the same as he did on the day he was born. No bigger, just as perfect. My baby Owen. 

I began reading everything I could get my hands on about nursing through pregnancy/ tandem nursing. I've met lots of mothers who have nursed a toddler and an infant and I wanted to do everything I could to preserve my nursing relationship with Owen. He nursed when he woke up, to sleep for nap, when he woke up from nap, and before bed. Sometimes he'd ask for an extra session or two if he was tired or teething - but four was pretty much the standard. Nursing a toddler is so different than nursing an infant. He talks to me mid-gulp and milk dribbles down his cheek. He wants me to sing to him, or count and he likes to put his stinky little toes in my face so that I'll rub them.  He pokes his chubby little fingers along my collar bone, or traces my face. Sometimes he wants to reach up and give me a hug while he's nursing, and sometimes he drifts off to sleep within a minute of latching on.  A lot of this changed when I got pregnant. 

I stopped taking fenugreek supplements to increase my supply and I stopped pumping. We talked extensively with our OB about my continuing to nurse and she felt it was completely safe for me to continue, especially in the first trimester and we would re-evaluate around 24 weeks if it was causing any contractions. By six weeks I saw a dramatic drop in my supply. With my increased sensitivity, his initial latch was a little painful but nothing unbearable (and nothing compared to the biting I endured with teething) but he grew impatient with the long delays for let downs (progesterone during pregnancy can effect milk let down and supply). It was taking up to ten minutes for me to let down and Owen would pop on-and-off trying to speed the process which became irritating. By seven weeks he refused to latch on my right because he wasn't willing to wait the ten minutes on that side for what little milk was left. He stopped asking for his morning nurse and arched his back and fussed or punched me during his nap/bedtime nursing because there wasn't enough milk to send him into a sleepy coma. 

At first I told myself that if a new baby brought about Owen's weaning than that was okay with me. I was willing to stick it out, and attempt to nurse them both once the baby was born or come to terms with him weaning (most women lose their milk by 20 weeks and the nursling is dry-nursing until colostrum comes in). Owen has always been about milk, milk, milk so I assumed once the milk was gone, his desire to nurse would be too.  But once I found out that our pregnancy was not viable my grief of carrying an empty sack was compounded by my frustrated nursling. I truly wanted to wait to miscarry on my own but as each week went by, I grew sadder, more exhausted and infuriated with my body.

At ten weeks with lingering pregnancy symptoms and no spotting or bleeding, I decided to have a D&C. I needed closure and I wanted to do everything in my power to bring my milk back. Within a day of the procedure I felt like a fog had been lifted from me. The sadness wasn't consuming me and slowly my milk supply was coming back. Owen was thrilled and asking to nurse 6-7 times a day but even with a renewed let down, he wasn't willing to latch on the right side. He hasn't nursed there since I was six weeks pregnant. For a while I dwelled on that, and started pumping again and cried. But my left breast was producing more than enough to fill him up and as his little eyelashes fluttered off to sleep I realized that we were still nursing.  It might only be on one side, but its enough for him so that should be enough for me. 

When I look in the mirror I see a lopsided mess (D cup and B cup) and then I think about how nursing Owen helped me get through losing a pregnancy. Every time I look down I am so incredibly thankful for him, to have a healthy baby in my arms. I love the rush of gooey Mama hormones I get with each session, and I sit just a little longer and rock, and rock and rock with him. He's back to nursing four solid times a day, a few extra times since he started walking and likes to connect with me after running around. I have it in the back of my mind that he'll probably wean between 18-20 months, but then again, I never thought he'd nurse for this long. My goal was one year but as each day, each feeding, passes I'm happy to wait until he shows me that he's ready to be done.

Would I nurse through a pregnancy again? I barely made it through one trimester and it was exhausting, and stressful and a little ouchy but the short answer is, yes. But I hope not have to do it again with Owen. I need a break and he needs his milk so I think we're in a happy place right now, just the two of us.

{One baby. one boob. one happy Mama}

Nursing in public

It took me a while to get the hang of nursing in public, let's be honest, it took me a while to get the hang of nursing, PERIOD. Fumbling with a screaming baby didn't exactly make me feel at ease at home - let alone in front of others. I was mortified to be using a nipple shield (what is that gadget? she can't just nurse her baby like a normal person?) and everything about nursing felt forced and awkward. I brought bottles of pumped milk wherever we went and let myself get engorged, while missing out on yet another bonding moment with my newborn. In retrospect - what was I thinking?

And then we settled into a rhythm and ditched the shield and I remember crystal clear one afternoon when he was 4 months old, he fell asleep nursing in my bed and just before I dozed off I thought to myself, "THIS! This makes it all worth it. This is what everyone was talking about." My perfect nursing moment. And then his first tooth came in, and more teeth and biting, and acrobatics and now popping off to talk to me while he's nursing (most often saying,"Da-dee?" or some random animal noise) and now nursing is intertwined with how we exist together.  It happens when it happens and doesn't when it doesn't.

We moved when O was a newborn so I nursed him as our little family explored our new city. The beautiful part about all of this is that my first memories of so many of the places we frequent, involve nursing Owen. I remember nursing Owen in the Target parking lot. I remember nursing Owen in a booth at Panera. At my doctor's office and at brunch with friends. Almost every place we go in Pittsburgh has a spot where I nursed my tiny Owen. There is a bench at the park where we sat and nursed while on a walk with friends. This is my favorite memory because a young, college-co-ed type guy came up to us and showed us his dog. He said hello and looked me right in the eyes and smiled. He didn't shy away, he didn't pull his dog away to avoid the crazy woman nursing her child in the middle of a public park. He smiled and waited until my friend's toddler was done petting his dog. Said goodbye and walked on as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

I've always been discrete about nursing. We use a cover, I turn away. I try to find a private booth in the corner of the restaurant. Not because I am embarrassed but because I don't want to be made uncomfortable by stares or dirty looks just as much as I don't want to make other people uncomfortable. As Owen gets older I do find myself being more self conscious about nursing in public. He will not tolerate a cover so when he asks to nurse I try to distract him and nurse as soon as we get somewhere more private. Its fairly easy for me to be discrete as I can mostly cover my breast with my shirt while he's nursing and he doesn't care just so long as he can still see me so I'm not sure what my hang-up is. I nursed him on the plane when we went to Asheville a few months ago and I contemplated lying about his age - because for some reason its acceptable for a 11 month old to still be nursing but not a 13 month old.

The other day after our shorts-try-on session I had to run into Target for a few things. Owen was already a cranky mess from taking a short nap and then being forced into a bazillion clothing changes so by the time we walked into Target he was having none of it. I put him in the Ergo because I knew he would want to jump out of the cart. He fussed and waved his little hand around in front of my face pumping his fist to show me the sign for "baby milk" (as if I didn't already know what he wanted). I needed to grab a few things, but I wanted him to be okay. So I unbuttoned the top of my shirt, and I nursed him while I shopped. He nursed happily with his head resting on my chest for the entire trip and while I was a little paranoid that people could see this insane woman walking around Target nursing her kid, also felt empowered. I was meeting his needs and still getting done what I needed to do.  I even snapped this picture of us so now I can have two memories of Target. Nursing my tiny newborn in the back of the parking lot and calming my fussy toddler while I grabbed a new toothbrush and a pack of Clorox bathroom wipes.

I called Jeremy at work on my way home, he was in the OR and asked, "Is it important because I can act like this is work-related and leave."

"Nope" I said. "I just wanted to tell you that today I am Supermom."

And I guess I think that's pretty important :)

April Carnival of Breastfeeding: Nursing Past Infancy

My "Extended Nursing" article on Kveller is featured in April's Carnival of Breastfeeding hosted by The Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog and Blacktating. Both of these sites have wonderful stories and resources related to supporting breastfeeding mothers and I am honored to be included in this group of women.

Please take some time to check out the other posts -- there are some wonderful stories of nursing toddlers!

Mama Alvina of Ahava & Amara Life Foundation: Breastfeeding Journey Continues

Elita @ Blacktating: The Last Time That Never Was

Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC: Old enough to ask for it

Karianna @ Caffeinated Catholic Mama: A Song for Mama’s Milk

Judy @ Mommy News Blog: My Favorite Moments

Tamara @ Kveller: Extended Breastfeeding

Jenny @ Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: The Highs and Lows of Nursing a Toddler

Christina @ MFOM: Natural-Term Breastfeeding

Rebekah @ Momma’s Angel: My Sleep Breakthrough

Suzi @ Attachedattheboob: Why I love nursing a toddler

Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl: My Hopes for Tandem Nursing

Elisa @ blissfulE: counter cultural: extended breastfeeding

Momma Jorje: Extended Breastfeeding, So Far!

Stephanie Precourt from Adventures in Babywearing: “Continued Breastfeeding”: straight from the mouths of babes

The Accidental Natural Mama: Nurse on, Mama

Sarah @ Reproductive Rites: Gratitude for Extended Breastfeeding

Nikki @ On Becoming Mommy: The Little Things

Dr. Sarah @ Good Enough Mum: Breastfeeding for longer than a year: myths, facts and what the research really shows

Amy @ WIC City: (Extended) Breastfeeding as Mothering

The Artsy Mama: Why Nurse a Toddler?

Christina @ The Milk Mama: The best thing about breastfeeding

TopHat @ the bee in your bonnet: From the Mouths of Babes

Beth @ Bethstedman.com: Extended Breastfeeding: To Wean Or Not To Wean

Callista @ Callista’s Ramblings:  Pressure To Stop Breastfeeding

Amanda @ Postilius: Nursing My Toddler Keeps My Baby Close

Sheryl @ Little Snowflakes: Tandem Nursing- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Zoie @ Touchstone Z: Breastfeeding Flavors

Lauren @ Hobo Mama: Same old, same old: Extended breastfeeding

Tanya @ Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: Six misconceptions about extended breastfeeding

Motherlove Herbal Company: Five reasons to love nursing a toddler
Jona @Breastfeeding Twins: Breastfeeding older twins

{Latching for the very first time in the hospital}

{Nursing while sick with his first fever at 13 months}

\

Five little babies

Today on Kveller, I write about my experience with milk sharing.

This isn't a picture of my freezer, mine is twice this size and is filled TO THE BRIM ;)

Extended Breastfeeding

Today I had my first feature article published on Kveller! I wrote a version of this article a month ago for a blog post but when they received it they asked that I elaborate on a few things because they really liked it and wanted to use it as a feature story. There is a small portion of our birth story added in and I was really happy with how well its been received.

Just as some side commentary, I do not judge anyone who cannot breastfeed or who chooses to wean at 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, whenever. That being said, I do believe that breast milk is the best option for human babies and it is hard for me not to be a little disappointed when someone doesn't at least try. For us it wasn't easy, and I have no idea if I would still be nursing Owen if I went back to work. I just know that I am nursing him now and he shows no signs of weaning. I have no intentions of making people uncomfortable in public or feeding a five year old from my breast - but when I look at Owen, he is still very much a baby who needs his Mama's comfort, attention and milk.

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed, but when things got off to a slow start I kind of gave up my goal of 1 year and made tiny more manageable milestones for myself. My first goal was to make it to 3 months, this proved to be the most difficult but once I got there I set "mini goals" of 6 months and then, 12 months. Around 11 months Owen went on a nursing strike from teething and the thought of weaning him ran through my head. I came to the conclusion that he was in pain and desperately wanted to nurse, but couldn't. I didn't want him to come back to the breast after the pain had subsided only to find that his beloved "baby milk" was gone. Now all of my goals and expectations are fulfilled and we nurse because that's what Mamas and babies do. With any future children, I can hope that the early days are easier, but I have confidence that I can figure it out and will succeed.

I am very lucky to have a wonderful support system here. I have attended La Leche League meetings monthly and have a great group of friends through this. In the beginning I really needed the support, cheerleading and information that the group offered (we have close to 16 moms at any given meeting). Now, although I still get hints/tips on biting, introducing whole milk and toddler nursing behaviors, we go to see our friends and nurse in a judgment-free environment.  In our playgroup, all of the mothers have nursed their children AT LEAST until one year, with most upwards of two years until the child self weaned or the Mama got pregnant again. And last, and most importantly, is the constant love and support that Jeremy has offered to Owen and I as a nursing pair.

Making it an entire year is a huge accomplishment for us, not one that I feel needs to be validated by others, but one that I am most proud of.  Nursing Owen has contributed to my overall success as a mother and instilled a sense of "i can" in me that I was desperately seeking. I don't care what anyone thinks of our parenting style or decisions, only that we make decisions as a family and do what works best for us. Weaning Owen will be a decision, hopefully led by him, that we will make together when the time is right.

Thank you for reading, commenting and supporting our journey.

Breastfeeding at the Biltmore

On our vacation in Asheville we met up with my friend Kelly (Owen's god mother "Doda Kelly") She is living there with her two boys (age 2 and 6 mons) while her Army husband is deployed for the next 13 months. The last time we saw each other was just after our wedding. She was my Jewish witness to our Ketuba (marriage contract)

Needless to say, when we saw each other there were LOTS and LOTS of tears. In the last two years there have been three babies born, five moves, a graduation, a deployment and entirely too much distance. But the amazing thing about friends is that it was like we saw each other yesterday. Except now, we are both Mamas! The first night we stayed with her she said nonchalantly, "Tam, seeing you as a mother is so amazing, its as if you've always been one." That comment made my heart burst with pride.

We had a great time with the boys and being around a two year old was a scary nice glimpse into our future. To say that Kelly is an amazing Mom is an understatement and it was so nice just to be together.

Both of Kelly's boys were born at 36 weeks exactly. Jeremy and I were there when she had PreE with her first son, Graham. Her second son, Ben just came out happily at exactly 36 weeks just like his brother. I remember when I was on bed rest and at 36 weeks and 1 day she called me and said, "You are in the clear Mama, you've officially held in a baby longer than me!" We are both nursing Mamas. She is happily nursing Ben into his sixth month. Her kid nurses (and falls asleep) ANYWHERE. Like at lunch. Her baby nurses and looks like this.

My baby nurses and then looks like THIS!

 She always has to one up me.

One night we had dinner with Owen's Nana and Papa (and Kelly and Ben) and then headed over to tour the Biltmore (so so so amazing by the way). The house was lit for Christmas and we kept the babies up past their bedtime for a little night out. Our little family of three was sitting in the backseat of my in-laws sedan on the way to the Biltmore. It was 6pm. Owen likes to nurse at 6pm. Our tickets were for 6:15 and we were running late as it was. Owen makes it known that IT IS 6PM!! I NURSE AT 6PM! I NURSE AT 6PM! I had heard (horror?) heroic stories at my Le Leche meetings of mothers who lean over the car seat to feed their screaming babes on car trips. I thought about it for exactly two seconds (Hmmm wonder how much of this can be seen in the rear view mirror) and then I flopped myself over my boy. And nursed him. Not before Jeremy says, "That's never gonna work." Two seconds later... slurp, slurp slurp. Happy baby.

I'm gonna admit. This was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. See previous statement again and then ask me what it felt like and I'll tell you - it was awesome. I make milk. That's my superpower.

As we were waiting to get into the Biltmore I told Kelly about my heroic car trip over - one in which my in-laws were none the wiser. She says, "Holy crap, you go dude!"

Fast foward two hours. Its late, we're touring the second floor and Ben gets hungry. We both wore the babies in front pack carriers and they were TOTAL ANGELS. Both of them. They were the only children in the place and again, TOTAL ANGELS. Ben was justifiably hungry but we were walking through narrow roped-off halls. Kelly asks if she can borrow my nursing cover, so I dug it out of my bag wondering how the hell she was going to pull this off. She unbottons the carrier, drapes the cover over her and WALKS NURSING HER CHILD IN HER ARMS. Oh and then - SHE CLIMBS TWO FLIGHTS OF WINDING STAIRS WHILE NURSING HER CHILD!!!

She always has to one up me.

After our tour, we took a shuttle back to the parking lot. It was late and time for Owen to go to sleep (CUE: ITS TIME FOR ME TO SLEEP GIVE ME YOUR BOOB). Kelly and I were sitting in the front row of the shuttle and OWEN WAS LOSING IT. Banging his head in between my boobs motorboating loudly as if to say, "THEY ARE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE, LET ME HAVE MY MILK!" So what did I do? I pulled my boob out and nursed him.  Kelly: "Holy crap, you go dude!"

I would have totally pulled this off discretely except for when my husband sitting two rows behind me says, "Are you nursing Owen on here???"  Drawing attention to my exposed boob (and happy baby) to the other passengers. AND if that wasn't enough - my husband and my mother-in-law started to sing.

THE BABY ON THE BUS GOES SLURP, SLURP, SLURP.

Kelly: "Last night, I wasn't sure if I should be horrified or give you a high five. Thanks for the boob shot lady, I enjoyed it - the guy sitting next to you on the other hand..I think the singing tipped him off."

Long story short.

Dear Kelly,

I win.

I made you from scratch

Eight and a half months later I still have to pinch myself when I look at this awesome boy.

{Found here}

Maybe not ready just yet...

This face is telling you "I WANT MY MILK!"

Daddy was home the other day to try rice cereal with our little bug, as he was feeding him he was laughing hysterically, I came over and asked what was wrong...

"I don't know where you got that baby in the video clip, but THIS baby does NOT eat rice cereal!"

And I looked over as Owen was spitting out everything his Daddy had carefully spooned into his mouth into a nice round mushy pile on his tray... and then proceeded to slap it with his abnormally large baby hands.

The books say to offer half a nursing before offering the solids. Mr. Owen DOES NOT LIKE THIS. Ha, "the books" also say that when nursing - once a baby is done on one breast you can take him off, burp him and offer the second breast. Not Owen, if I don't swiftly move him over to the other side all hell breaks loose. Burping? Yeah right, he'll burp, fart and choke mid-feeding - think nothing of it, and go right back to the task at hand. So trying to pause between boobs - unheard of in our house. This "half a feeding" stuff just pisses him off and I have to spend ten minutes calming him down and trying to explain that I am going to offer him some DELISH-ISH rice cereal and then after we try that, I'll offer him the second breast. Reasoning with a baby is a total waste of air.

So today, my brilliant idea was to go right to rice cereal after he woke up from his afternoon nap. I figured we'd skip the second breast fight and he'd be extra hungry for some yummy cereal. WRONG. First off, he looked at me like I was crazy after I changed his diaper and didn't nurse him. Then when I put him in the bumbo he gave me a grumpy face. When I tried to offer the cereal he took it into his mouth and again spit it all over the tray. ALL OF IT. I don't think a single bit even accidentally slid down his throat. Then when I cleaned him off and grabbed him out of the chair he started pulling frantically at my shirt.

I nursed him (with the double-boob special) and he was happy as a clam (are clams really that happy?)

He's also slept 11 hours for me the last two nights, with only a dream feed between 11pm-12am (I pull him into bed, feed him, he eats but doesn't wake up and then I lay him back in the cosleeper - full and asleep) and he wakes up between 7-9am. Since he's hardly getting any rice cereal to speak of, that can't be attributable to the change so perhaps our little growth spurt is over (for now).

So, I decided I'm going to back off on the cereal/solids for a while. I have plenty of milk, since he's increased my supply, I'm back to freezing between 8-12 ounces a day on top of what I feed him. We'll go back to our routine of on demand feeding during the day and we'll see how it goes for a while. I actually don't mind feeding him at night, its just him and me. He's sleepy and warm and I just stare at him in the low light. Thankful for the time, the experience, for my boy.

Because even though eating rice cereal is cute, he's still my little baby and right now, he just wants his Mama's milk.

Three Month Check Up

Weight: 12 lbs 7 ounces
Length: 24 inches
Head circumference: 16 inches

Last Friday was a big day for LOTS of reasons - two hours before Jeremy graduated we took Owen for his 3-month follow up with our pediatrician in Dayton. We were confident going in, because we knew we were carrying in a totally different baby than we were last month. When the nurse put O on the scale, she said, "I need to weigh him in another room, this scale has been acting up. It is showing he gained A LOT of weight." We assured her that we expected he had gained A LOT of weight but she insisted on reweighing him. Sure enough, our boy had gained nearly three pounds in one month. ALMOST THREE POUNDS!!

Owen's measurements put him in the 40th percentile for all indicators and we are so thrilled. When his pediatrician came in, she said he was a completely different baby. She commented that his sitting up strength was remarkable and going forward SHE IS NOT AT ALL CONCERNED ABOUT THIS BOY!!

I am overjoyed with Owen's progress. He is breastfeeding beautifully and I don't take a single day for granted. He has started to look up at me while he eats and even pops off the boob sometimes to smile at his Daddy. Last month we were defeated, stunned and crushed to say the least. This month, only four short weeks later, our sweet boy is trending at the 40th percentile. 40th percentile when compared with full term babies! Indeed our little family had lots to celebrate this weekend.

And now, for the first time on the world wide web, I present to you....

THIGH CHUB!! MY BOY!!

Eat at MOMS

I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a child quieted at its mother's breast;
like a child that is quieted is my soul.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
from this time forth and for evermore.
-Psalm 131

Our pediatrician called with Owen's blood work and it indicated he was malnourished. I guess he wasn't able to drain my breasts through the nipple shield, even though he would "eat" for nearly two hours at a time. There always seemed to be some milk in the cup so I had no idea he wasn't getting enough. And when he was finally starving he rejected the shield. Owen was sleeping all day for two days before our Dr. visit and we thought he was just tired. Nope. Starving. Our pediatrician said he may not have had enough energy/muscle tone to lift his head and push up with his arms during tummy time. Also might explain why he was so fussy over the last month.

I have been a mess since his doctor last week. This was an awful thing and I felt solely responsible for it. My heart broke at the thought of him being hungry all the time and then just giving up and sleeping when he couldn't satisfy himself.

I was sad, and felt guilty but was not ready to give up on what I believe is best for my son. I am happy to report that Owen and I are working our way back. With the stress and the shield, my milk supply was very low - but thankfully I had been pumping and storing milk since week one. Owen is latching now and doing well. I pump after each feeding to stimulate supply. I take 3 Fenugreek pills 3 times a day, got some rest and have been drinking TONS of water. Our pediatrician wanted to supplement with formula, but since we had a small supply of my milk in the fridge and agreed to call in weights she agreed to let us try our method.

We bought an infant scale and we weight Owen before and after he eats (same clothes, no diaper changes) to determine how much he ate. He needs ~ 30 ounces per day so we're making sure he has a minimum of 4 ounces per feeding. If he doesn't get it from me, we give him a bottle to finish it out. At first we were force feeding our poor boy - but now he's increased his stomach capacity and taking 4 ounces per feeding like a champ!

This morning I woke up engorged - I fed Owen FOUR FULL OUNCES on my own!! Then three hours later - again he ate FOUR ounces from me AND I pumped an additional 1.5 ounces! The best news of all is after a week of diligently feeding our cub - HE GAINED ONE POUND. As of this morning he weighed 10 lbs. 11 ounces.

Jeremy was so supportive of all this and I could not have done it without him. He cheered us on, helped Owen latch, bottle feed him and supported me through my ups and downs. He was just as crushed as I was when we set Owen on the scale last week and even more so when the doctor called with the blood work confirming it. He has been so strong with all that is going on and packed up our home and arranged our entire move himself. He made sure that my sole responsibility over the last week was feeding Owen.

These are all such good things. All of this in addition to news that there wasn't an underlying thyroid function problem with Owen and thankfully we are blessed with a versatile baby who has no problem going from breast to bottle and back again.

Breastfeeding was and is so important to me and although it has been one of hardest things I've ever done in my life, and I considered giving up on more than one occasion - for the first time I feel like the two of us are succeeding. Be on the look out for a more confident Mamma toting a little red-headed boy with some serious chubs.

coo coo pills

Because of the stress of moving, going back to work, fighting with HR, some postpartum medical issues of my own and finally Owen's doctor on Friday - my milk supply is dropping off. I just can't get out of my own head with so much going on around here and unfortunately, feeding a baby requires a relaxed, well-rested Mamma (do those exist?) Now that I don't have to work and Jeremy has packed up most of the house, I'm trying to calm myself down. Owen has completely rejected the nipple shield but is latching. He gets frustrated very quickly when my milk doesn't let down fast enough or there isn't enough flowing. He is a very impatient eater, my boy. So I'm nursing him for as long as he will tolerate and then we're supplementing with pumped milk from a bottle. I pump after each feeding and get just about enough to supplement the next feeding. I know if I could just build up my supply so it floweth over right when he latches on he would eat like a little piggy.

After reading some other blog posts about low milk supply, several women suggested taking the herbal supplement Fenugreek seed. I had Jeremy take me to GNC to pick some up. He looked up Fenugeek and found sites that claimed it cures everything from brain cancer to ingrown toe nails. He says I read to many crazy coo coo pants Mommy blogs - so much so that he insisted on taking the supplement as well... that is until today when he declared this:

"I'm crapping melted snickers bars right now and my breasts don't feel any firmer!"

More coo coo pills for me and I can't say I have much sympathy for him, but I am hungry for a candy bar. I'm holding out hope that my boobies fill up like hot air balloons at dawn. I'll keep you posted.

Two Month Check Up

Today was Owen's two month well baby visit. I was dreading it all week because my sweet babe would have his first immunizations and because the office we go to doesn't order combo vaccines, my little cub would be getting FIVE SHOTS.

Leading up to the visit I knew Owen had not chubbed up the way we would have liked. He has been struggling with the nipple shield and nursing for two hours at a time with seemingly no satisfaction. Even though his pediatrician told us last month to let him sleep for a six hour stretch at night, his longest was 4.5 hours. All of this was making for a very exhausted Mommy. Over the past two days O began to reject the nipple shield all together but seemed to be latching on and draining my breasts in about a half hour. The past two days had gone fairly well, so I was beginning to be optimistic.

Owen was in such a sweet mood when we brought him to his visit - cooing and smiling. We stripped him down to his diaper and put him on the scale and of course he wailed. As the nurse moved the ticker, our hearts sank. 9 lbs 11 oz. Owen had not even gained a pound since his last visit four weeks ago. His head circumference was also behind -falling from the 50th percentile to the 25th, but luckily our little string bean was right on track with his length.

Weight: 9 lbs 11 ounces - 15th percentile
Length: 23.5 inches - 50th percentile

We told her Owen smiled but about two weeks later than expected. We also had to confess that Owen hates tummy time and refuses to lift his head and push up with his arms. His pediatrician was concerned about all of these issues. She observed his apathetic tummy time, and noted that his neck and arms were weak - although his legs are VERY strong. She ordered some blood work to check his hemoglobin and thyroid levels. She instructed us to monitor his food intake and never to let him go longer than 3 hours without eating during the day, with only one long stretch at night.

...and then the nurse walked in with Owens vaccines. SHIT. I totally forgot. I attempted to feed Owen while the nurse fumbled around with the injections. We opted to hold off on Hep B for another month to avoid the 5th injection but the screams coming from my poor babe after four needle sticks were simply torture.

The pediatrician was also not happy to hear my paid maternity leave was denied. She wrote a note last month requesting I stay home for six more weeks with Owen to establish breastfeeding. HR notified me last week that I could take the time, but it would be unpaid because "breastfeeding is not a medical diagnosis and plenty of mothers pump and have perfectly healthy babies." Because Jeremy doesn't start his job until July we couldn't go without income so I went back to work this week. After today's visit his pediatrician called HR and two hours later I received a phone call, "Mrs. Reese, we received a call from Owen's doctor and your sick time has been approved through the end of May. Please stay home and be with your son. We hope things get better soon."

Owen didn't latch for the rest of the day and refused the shield. Each time I sobbed over my sweet babe as Jeremy warmed a bottle of pumped milk for him. He was tired and clingy all evening and I just wanted the day to be over.

All this made for very overwhelmed Mamma. I felt like complete failure - today just wasn't what we wanted to hear. I know things could be much worse and I have so much to be thankful for. Overall we have a happy, healthy son. I have the most incredibly supportive husband any woman could ask for. Me and O just need to get over this little hump. I am praying we can get him back on track. I am praying I can dig deep inside me and find that confident Mamma that I so badly want to be. Can you help me find her?

Signs of new life

If at first you don't succeed...


Have your sweet nurse walk in on an exhausted mommy sobbing over her hungry baby...

and try again.