Gillen's Birth Story

Sunday the 26^th I had some contractions in the afternoon. Nothing horrible, just some cramping but clearly a new level of uncomfortable aside from the general pains of late pregnancy. Our little family went to a street fair and the cramps timed out to one every eight minutes or so for a few hours and eventually faded. We took a nap, had enchiladas for dinner and headed to bed early. I continued to have mild cramping and back pain all night but changing positions seemed to help me get some sleep. Maybe this was something, maybe it wasn’t. 

I woke to Owen calling for me over the monitor at 9am the morning of August 27^th. I quickly glanced at the calendar and whispered a silent ‘thank you’ for making to 39 weeks. As I waddled to the bathroom, I noticed the back pain was a little more intense than the day before and I had clearly lost my mucus plug. We had a park play date scheduled and as I brushed my teeth I had a vivid flash of giving birth in a pile of mulch next to the curly slide. I decided to call my doula. We were on the phone for twenty minutes, discussing whether or not I should go to the park and plans to shower and feed Owen. By the end of the conversation she said, “No park. You need to call Jeremy to come home, get someone to take Owen, and head to the hospital.” I told her I didn’t want to assemble the troops for a false alarm and she said, “Since we’ve been talking you’ve had a contraction every two minutes. It’s better to be at the hospital at this point.” 

It was 10am.

Our neighbor, Kristen, left work and came over to feed Owen breakfast while I showered and frantically realized he had no clean clothes. Kristen grabbed his dirty laundry basket and handed me a banana, “Eat this, he’ll be FINE. I know how to wash clothes.” I finished getting ready and ate a bowl of Cheerios and some soy yogurt. The intense cramping and back pain had me stopping to breath. At that point it became clear – I’m a Mama destined for back labor. 

Jeremy arrived home at 10:30 and we threw the rest of our stuff together. Once he saw my contractions were coming pretty frequently he kicked it into high gear and we jumped in the car. He drove like a felon  through mobs of Pitt students on the first day of classes as I squeezed his hand through each contraction. 

We handed over our keys to the hospital valet at 11am.

Jeremy ushered me through the door and into the elevator. “Close the door and push the button!” I thought over and over again as people kept piling in. I tried to hold in the pain of a huge contraction while an elevator full of people backed away from me. The doors opened and we rushed past the people wishing us luck and surely thanking God I didn’t give birth in the elevator. 

[We rushed out of the house so fast we left without a single camera. I realized it the moment we arrived at the hospital and felt enormously guilty - we had such beautiful pictures of Owen's birth, I needed to capture this little one as well. We called our photographer friend who had agreed to photograph the birth if timing worked in our favor - Jeremy texted her "Tam says, COME NOW"]

We checked in and met up with our doula. An older doctor met us in triage and asked what brought us in. I grimaced through a contraction and managed to mention I was in labor and after a quick exam his bushy eyebrows raised as he declared I was seven centimeters dilated and needed to be brought to labor and delivery. Jeremy informed the snarky nurse that I didn’t want pain medication and I’m sure she rolled her eyes doubtingly as she returned to the nurses’ station, “we’ve got a ‘natural’ in room ten.” 

So much of the next part is a blur. The back labor was intense and coming about every minute or so. My doula showed Jeremy how to put counter-pressure on my hips during contractions to ease the pain and move baby into the birth canal. I leaned over the bed as he helped me through each wave. Nurses were telling me to get into bed and running antibiotics through my IV. My doula whispered into my ear, “You’re fine to ignore them, you won’t be here long. This baby is coming very, very soon.” 

Jeremy and the doula took turns with the counter pressure and rubbing my back as we listened to our birthing playlist and laughed between contractions. They helped me sip Gatorade and put cold rags on my neck. My arms were exhausted from being on all fours through intense pain so I tried to lean on a birthing ball or have Jeremy hold me up. The contractions were closer together and longer each time, it felt like someone was taking a sledge hammer to my tailbone. With each surge Jeremy encouraged me endlessly, telling me how proud he was of me and what an amazing job I was doing. My doula reminded me, “each contraction is one step closer to baby.” Once the antibiotic bag was empty Jeremy asked the nurse to lock off my IV and despite her protests, he said, “this is what she wants.” I was so proud of him in that moment, because even though I knew he thought I was crazy pants for wanting an unmedicated birth, he supported me. 

Amid the madness I was checked, still seven centimeters and my water hadn’t broken. Shortly after, nine centimeters and the water bag was too tight around his head to be broken. My entire body shook with visceral pain and for a split second I told myself I was an idiot for birthing without drugs and then suddenly, “I HAVE to push!” People whirled about the room talking about possibly checking me again and I roared, “I’M PUSHING MY BABY OUT NOW!” and on all fours I pushed as hard as I could.

It was 2pm.

Moments later I was on my back, squeezing Jeremy’s hand and begging them to take down the GIGANTIC mirror that magically appeared over my head. I wanted a natural birth; I didn’t say I wanted to watch it. I shut my eyes as tight as I could, pushed again and then told myself, “You will meet your baby with this next push, it will hurt like hell, but you will meet your baby.”

Less than three hours after arriving at the hospital, I pushed a third time and my beautiful 8lb 3oz boy was born followed closely by a gush of amniotic fluid. 

It was 2:10pm.

They placed him on my abdomen and I reached down to grab my son while nurses encouraged him to cry – and cry he did. He wailed in my arms and I felt Jeremy’s tears trickle onto my face as we marveled at the newest addition to our family. He was perfect in every way and even as my doctor stitched a second degree tear, I smiled. I felt more joy and pride than I have ever felt in my entire life. My body made this person and I bravely and confidently gave birth to him on my own terms. They say you don’t get a medal for birthing naturally, but you actually get more. I have never felt more powerful, confident or feminine than I did on that day. 

My firstborn made me a mother and my second child made me an even stronger one.

Happy birthday, my love.  Three hours, three pushes, then you.

An abbreviated version of our birth story was also published here on Kveller.com and has almost 200 shares on Facebook. I hope to inspire other women to learn as much as they can about birth and birth options and perhaps even have enough confidence in their body and themselves to birth naturally.

24 Hours Later: Going Home

Tuesday both my OB and our pediatrician released us to go home. We had to stay until the 24 hour mark for Gil's newborn screen and bilirubin test.

His bilirubin was 6 (less than half of what Owen's was!) so there were no concerns there and he had only lost a tiny bit of weight down to 7 lbs 14 oz. Having a baby latch and eat right away did wonders for us this time around.

Jeremy and I were bored in the hospital and anxious to get home to Owen so we were very happy to leave late afternoon.

12 Hours Later: Gillen Meets His Big Brother

Seeing my firstborn looking so big, brought me to tears. 

Owen stayed overnight with our neighbors and they helped him make Gillen a card from his big brother. Owen also brought him a monkey (Gillen smiled ;))

Sweet red-headed boy is eating like a champ.
God couldn't have sent a more perfect match for our little family.

Happy Birthday, Baby Brother!

Gillen Azar

8 lbs 3 oz - 21 inches

August 27, 2012

2:10pm

37.5 weeks pregnant (Note: Still PREGNANT!)

Went to the doctor today and she said I am not dilated but completely thinned and she could feel his head pushing down. Baby Brother had been a little less active the last few days and when they listened to his heartbeat on the doppler it was 120 (down from the 145-165 it normally is) and while it was still in the normal range they wanted me to sit on the monitors for a Non-stress test for 30 minutes following my appointment. Of course my trusty side kick was there too waiting oh so patiently for the two of us to get bagels after my appointment ;)

Everything came back normal and we ended the appointment with this unfamiliar phrase...

 "All we're waiting for now is for you to go into labor!"

It's been amazingly different this time around. I'm more active, I have a beautiful toddler to take care of and I'm even still taking my prenatal yoga classes. At the beginning of my third trimester I had a few rough weeks with some anxiety that came flooding back. I felt like such a failure in my third trimester with Owen - even though I succeeded in carrying him to term. Lots of things surrounding bed rest/birth/postpartum were hard on me and in retrospect could have been handled very differently.

This time, if I wanted to feel strong and confident, I needed to change my own mind.

I credit much of this to the doctor's managing me. They never once made me feel like I couldn't do this. Sure, I contracted A LOT but they let me stay on my feet and kept me calm. I think the p17 shots worked wonders for me in terms of cervical length. And we did it.

We are so incredibly excited to meet this little guy. We continue to pray that he is born strong and healthy. We hope that Owen adjusts well to having to share my attention and that we can all eventually get some sleep :)

Owen's Birthday (Birth Story Part III)

Part I
Part II

We arrived at the hospital and checked in around 7pm. We called my dad and Jeremy’s parents to let them know there would be a baby soon and everyone jumped in the car and headed to Dayton. The nurse we were assigned to was the same nurse who had taken care of us when I was in the labor triage the day after Christmas. She started my IV and brought me a birthing ball. I was still only having mild back pain. Jeremy and I walked several laps around the unit, but I was very weak from bed rest and it was doing nothing to stimulate labor. At 9pm the nurse called our doctor and he ordered Pitocin. I was admittedly upset at this point. I had heard rumors about how awful Pitocin contractions can be and I wasn’t ready to let go of my unmedicated birthplan. Jeremy said he would coach me through the contractions and we would do our best to stick with the plan. The Pitocin was administered in 2 unit increments every 45 minutes. Up until about 4 units the mild back labor continued, then at 6 the cramping in my back began to worsen and the contractions became closer.

We tried to keep an upbeat mood in the room. Jeremy and my mom took turns rubbing my arms and back. We listened to our birthing playlist on the computer and watched the winter Olympics. Between midnight and 1am my back labor worsened with each Pitocin increase. It felt like a brick was being slammed into my tailbone at full force. There were strict instructions from my doctor not to give me internal exams. He didn’t want to risk infection, especially if I wasn’t contracting in the front. Baby was doing great on the monitor and I was still hanging in there. Each time the nurse came in to press on my stomach to check for contractions she would say, “Come on, I really need to start to feel these up front so you can move that baby down.” All of this pain and I felt helpless, like I was doing nothing to progress my labor. Jeremy’s parents arrive around midnight, relieved that they had not missed the birth. All I could say to my mother-in-law (who just happens to be a Presbyterian minister) was, “Oh my god, my butthole hurts!!” Thankfully, she laughed.

By 2am I was in intense pain. The back labor was coming every 30 second and knocking me off my feet. I was hanging on to the back side of the bed hunched over gritting my teeth through what could only be described as my butthole being slammed full force with a jackhammer. At one point I remember everyone was hovered around the bed urging me to let the nurse put a sedative in my IV “to take the edge off” – this wasn’t what I wanted  - I wanted to be “present” the moment my son was born and I was not going to risk having that taken away. I felt like I was failing - the last thing I wanted was a c-section and I knew if I opted for an epidural before I was at 5cm there was a chance it would slow my labor. My pitocin was at 10 units and I was completely overwhelmed. I was losing sight of my plan and I felt like people were putting so much pressure on me. I broke down sobbing. Jeremy asked everyone to leave the room and he helped me use the restroom. In the bathroom we made a plan that a nurse would check to see if I had made any progress and then we would decide about the epidural. I told Jeremy I was ready for one, that I was too tired and weak and if it kept up like this I wouldn’t have enough energy to push. He told me we were going to stick to our plan and called in our nurse. As my birth coach it was his job to keep me focused on what I wanted, no matter how much I tried to stray from the plan (good thing he read those books at the last minute, right?) When the nurse lifted my gown to check me she was immediately surprised, “His head is right here and you are 6cm!” I was ecstatic. Back labor does move a baby! I requested the epidural. Jeremy encouraged me that I had done so well and he knew I could go the rest of the way unmedicated if I wanted to stick to the birth plan. But I didn’t and I was thinking soundly enough to let go. I was hoping that an epidural could give me some rest before I needed to push. The epidural was administered at 2:30am. It stung quite a bit and was hard to work in amongst the relentless contractions but it did take the edge off of the pain. I could feel my legs – but I still felt constant pressure on my tailbone. A nap was not in the cards for me. I quickly transitioned and by 430am I had just a tiny lip of cervix left.  I had intense pressure in my bottom and felt like pushing. The nurse told me to hold off and she called our doctor in from home. She decided to go ahead and check me and sure enough, we were ready to push.

Our nurses asked if we wanted everyone to leave the room. At one point in our planning process Jeremy and I had talked about it just being he and I in the room when the baby was born. But when it came time, it didn’t matter. This was such an anticipated boy and we wanted everyone to be there to welcome him.  When the doctor arrived he noticed that the baby was transverse (had moved a bit from posterior position, which was causing the back labor). I had to lie on my side for 20 minutes trying to coax him into turning righside up. I was checked again at 5am, turning him was successful and we were ready to push. They turned down my epidural so that I could feel each contraction. Jeremy was so supportive, he held my leg and the back of my head while telling me what a wonderful job I was doing. My mom held my other leg and encouraged me just the same. With each push I thought to myself that I needed to work as hard as I could with each contraction. I wanted to be strong and efficient. There was lots of joking and sassing in the brief pauses between contractions. Dr. K was kicked back with his legs crossed but realized that I was moving the baby very quickly and he readied his gown. With about three pushes left my dad and brother rushed into the room and took their respective spots in the corner of the room by my head. I remember hearing that my baby had lots of hair – PUSH – lots of hair – PUSH – head out - PUSH - shoulders out – LOOOOONG PUSH. And then nothing. I heard nothing. I felt like I was waiting and waiting to hear cries and nothing. I started to panic and asked why he wasn’t crying. Everyone assured me that he was, in fact my strong boy shouted out even before the umbilical chord was cut but I couldn't hear or see him. What was probably thirty seconds felt like an eternity before my slippery, crying boy was placed on my bare chest. I sobbed what Jeremy describes as the most exhausted, joyful cry he has every heard in his life.

My son was born at 5:32am at 37 weeks and 5 days, after 32 minutes of pushing. He entered the world surrounded by his parents, uncle and grandparents. He was born into a room filled with joy and tears. After carefully admiring our miracle, Jeremy introduced our precious son – Owen David to the room of loving guests. It was the first time we had ever spoken his name out loud. He stayed on my chest under warm blankets for what seemed like hours while each person took their turn coming over to meet him. Nurses checked his APGAR 8 and 9 and did some measurements with me still holding him tight. He smelled of tears and musky clay and in those moments of holding this new life skin-to-skin nothing else mattered. Not bed rest, not epidurals, not the stinging of the needle being used to sew me back together - I had met my hearts utmost desire. The only thing that mattered was the little miracle that had just made us a family. The feeling of having him laid upon my chest at the breaking point of physical and mental exhaustion was the most exhilarating high I have ever known. I wish I could bottle it up and use it to save the world from every possible injustice. I want to have a million more babies just to ride that instant wave of love and venerability again and again. Everything I fought and prayed for was a reality. I’ve never loved my husband more than I did that day and to see him become a father, the tears of joy and amazement welling in his eyes, made my already bursting heart swell even bigger. The moment that I became a mother was the most beautiful experience of my entire life and I am forever indebted to this tiny soul. My beautiful boy.

Special thanks to our wedding photographer, Sandra Reed, who climbed out of bed at 3am with a sinus infection to document Owen's birth for us. I'm happy to call her my friend.

Music of my heart

Jeremy made an iTunes playlist for my labor and it was so appreciated. It provided some much needed background music and ambiance for a very special time in our life.

Now that we're home, I've been playing the songs during the afternoons when I'm spending time with Owen. There are a few songs on there that really touch me and remind me of what it means to be a woman, be in an amazingly loving marriage and be blessed with this precious son. It's funny how music can play a soundtrack for your life and each time you hear it - wonderful memories and feelings come flooding back.

The playlist was over 3 hrs long but here are my favorites. Enjoy!

This Woman's Work - Maxwell
Finally - Fergie
Knocked Up - Kings of Leon
Beautiful Boy - Ben Harper
Things We've Handed Down - Marc Cohn
Life in A Nutshell - Barenaked Ladies
Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
Look After You Live - The Fray

This is what my Monday afternoon looks like

Signs of new life

If at first you don't succeed...


Have your sweet nurse walk in on an exhausted mommy sobbing over her hungry baby...

and try again.

Happy Birthday, My Love

Owen David
7 lbs 2 oz - 19.5 inches
February 24, 2010
5:32am

Water, water everywhere but not a squeeze in sight

My water broke at home this morning at 9am. Contractions were limited to some mild cramping and back pain at home for most of the day. A quick trip to Dr. K determined I was still only 2cm dilated. We were admitted to the hospital around 7pm and after no progress, we've started pitocin.

Due to risk of infection to mom and baby, Dr. K doesn't let moms go more than 24 hours from rupture. So at 9pm, with no measurable increases, I had to let go of my natural childbirth vision and open my mind to the goal of a healthy baby - however we have to get there in the end.

So many thoughts are going through my mind right now, scared - hungry - excited - but more than anything else... I'M GOING TO BE A MAMMA!!

Wish us luck, love and healthy mom and baby vibes!

xo

Tam