"I don't catch on fire when I sleep, so why would he?"

Apparently, a certain member of our household (ahem, his name starts with J) thinks that Dreft(R) Laundry Detergent is a marketing ploy aimed at tricking impressionable parents into purchasing an overpriced laundry product by tapping in to one's intrinsic desire to be a good caregiver. Thus, forcing parents to unknowingly buy into a monopoly that has been perpetuated by fear (and apparently pediatricians) for over 75 years.

This conversation was similar to the one we had over the plastic bathtub (NO! You can't just wash a slippery, floppy newborn in the kitchen sink!) and one I can't even wrap my brain around enough to post related to bottle sterilization. They all center around the fact that it is hard for me to present my husband with any kind of literature or scientific proof to support parenting methodologies passed down from generations. So, according to him, I either read too many crazy-coo-coo-pants mommy blogs, I watch too much TV or I am really good at making stuff up. And YES, okay, I do have a slightly off base notion that if I wash my hands and brush my teeth with scalding hot water they will get cleaner than if I simply used tepid H2O - AND I have eleven bottles of shampoo crowding our shower ledge so my hair doesn't become accustomed to any one formulary rendering itself dull and lifeless... BUT I swear on hot dogs these child rearing ideas aren't just a crazy ploy to convince my husband to adopt some warped sanitation regimen for the sake of our unborn son.

Which brings me back to the detergent...

Me: We're going to need to buy that Dreft stuff so we can start washing the baby's clothes and have them ready.

Jeremy: That stuff is a total rip off.

Me: I know, but you have to wash your baby's clothes with it.

Jeremy: WHY?

Me: I don't know, to avoid chemicals or skin rashes or something...

Jeremy: We already use fragrance-free, dye-free detergent.

Me: It doesn't say for babies though. And we can't use fabric softener or dryer sheets, so the Dreft stuff makes the baby clothes soft and smell fresh without added chemicals or residue.

Jeremy: WHY can't we use dryer sheets??

Me: Because it messes up the flame resistance on the baby clothes.

Jeremy: Baby clothes are FLAME RESISTANT?

Me: Yes.

Jeremy: Because apparently babies spontaneously COMBUST?

Me: Well, mostly just the sleep clothes...

Jeremy: Oh, right, because babies only burst into flames AT NIGHT?!?

Me: I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY BABIES CATCH ON FIRE, BUT THEY DO!!!!

As you can see I had a hard time selling him on this concept (mostly because I'VE NEVER OWNED A REAL LIFE BABY BEFORE!) Luckily, after researching cheaper alternatives (on crazy-coo-coo-pants mommy blogs, shhh) lots of people recommended Charlie's Soap. Mostly the crunchy, granola, environmentally conscience mammas who wash their cloth diapers in it and liken other cleaning products to toxic waste dumps. Fortunately for me, it was an economical option so I played into his miserly, Ashkenazi genotype and convinced him to go with that (the free shipping was a real clincher!) And OH FOR THE LOVE, I found a quasi-scientific graph to back me up!
[Test Consumer Product Safety Commission's Test 16 /Title: Flammability of Children's Polyester Sleepwear/Procedure: Test fabrics (manufactured already resistant to fire) submitted by Carter Manufacturing © were washed with various detergents, dried and exposed to open flame for 50 cycles. Results were measured by char length at each cycle. Results: Charlie's Soap continued to improve the flame retardant properties after each washing to the point where the fabric would not catch fire at all. No other detergent tested improved the flame retardant properties of children's sleepwear at all.]

The bottle arrived in the mail last week, and after I finally convinced my mom that it's safe for baby clothes (Dreft groupie!) I'm praying to the laundry gods that it actually produces clean, soft clothing.

And that's what I get for marrying an only child whose I.Q lies at the far end of a bell shaped curve.

Dear unborn son,

Good luck convincing your Daddy that all sixteen year olds need their own car.

The End.

A game of Simon Says, except for I told you to click and my name's not Simon

Remember how I told you I disparately want for my baby to be smart but burping up fish guts at my desk was precluding me from giving my child the start he needs?

If you forgot, READ IT HERE.

I hear there is a great children's book called Baby Brains and Mrs. Brains "wanted to make sure their baby was going to be very smart," so they read aloud, played music and languages, and turned up the news for the child in Mrs. Brains's tummy. Sure enough, Baby Brains is discovered reading the newspaper on his very first morning at home. He attends school the following day, announcing his desire to study medicine. In just two weeks, he begins his medical practice and is discovered by the press. I NEED THIS BOOK.

Anyway, I also found a list of ways to GUARANTEE that my baby boy is a genius in this article called Harvard Bound: 52 Tips to Boost Your Baby’s Brain Development. Although I'm ignoring the part where it says that playing Britney Spears for your baby makes him smarter. Because if your baby truly is smart - he'll want to punch her in the face the second he pops out of the womb - just like the rest of us. I'm just saying...

And NOTE #24: Sing your baby songs & lullabies.

Jeremy (this one's for you pumpkin!) please direct your attention to the lullaby tutorial HERE. Complete with CORRECT words and sing along fun.

Someone I know intimately but shall remain nameless says that Harvard University campus has BY FAR the ugliest chicks on the planet (no offense). And since I'm going to train my babe to be smart and socially savvy enough bring home a hot girlfriend - we'll brainwash him with hopes of some other academic powerhouse. BUT, for now, I'm going to go ahead and follow the list on how to brew up a smart baby.

Because in a messy game of rock/paper/scissors, smart babies beat out ugly chicks every time!

Trust me, the baby won't care if you can actually sing or not

Scene: Two gorgeously attractive married people sit down to a homemade pot roast dinner (with brussel sprouts!) and as they enjoy some precious time together, they talk about all things baby.

Wife: Do you know any nursery rhymes or songs?

Husband: Yep!

Wife: Like which ones?

Husband: Like, lots of them. You know... the usual ones.

Wife: Do you know Twinkle, Twinkle?

Husband: Yes, *singing* Twinkle, Twinkle, little star... up in the sky...twinkly star.. da da da...

Wife: ::laughing:: No! No, that's all wrong... *sings correct version*

Husband: That's what I JUST SANG!

Wife: Okay what about Itsy Bitsy.. the spider?

Husband: *singing* Itsy, bitsy spider we-hent up a spout, wa-ter came down and th-en it evaporated... and the spider we-hent up again.

Wife: :: laughing, tears :: It doesn't say EVAPORATED!

Husband: My version does!

Wife: Do you know Rock-A-Bye-Baby?

Husband: No.

Wife: *sings* Rock-A-Bye-Baby

Husband: WHAT? That song is about a cradle breaking out of a tree?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Are you SURE that's how it goes?

Wife: Yes.

[The next morning while painting the den, out of nowhere, the adorable husband has a revelation about last night's conversation]

Husband: I don't like that falling baby song.

Wife: What?

Husband: The song, where the baby falls with the cradle and stuff...I decided I don't like it. Why would someone sing a song like that to their baby!? That's just cruel.

Wife: I don't know.

Husband: Well, we're not singing that one.

Wife: Okay... we'll stick to the spider one with the evaporating water.

:: smiles GA-LORE for first time parents ::

Too smart for your own good

Scene: Two gorgeously attractive married people sit in the waiting room of the OB flipping through a baby magazine. Wife turns to a list of "Essential things for expectant parents"

Husband: What is a layette?
Wife: I have no idea.

Husband: What is an OH-NEE-SIS?
Wife: What? (looking down at the list)

Wife: {hysterical laughing}
Husband: What? What is it?

Wife: ONESIES!! ONE-SIE!