I am cautiously happy to report that I am home, with no cervical changes from Wednesday and in bed, full of medicine that will keep my little boy an inside baby for as long as we can.
These past few days we've dealt with some of the most heart wrenching feelings imaginable - the helpless feelings that inevitably accompany parenthood. When my heart was overwhelmed with fear and words could not keep up with the thoughts flooding my own mind, so many people have reached out and lifted us up.
I will tell you what I prayed every moment of the last 48 hours as I listened to his little heart beat strong on the monitor. I prayed for each new day that God will grant us for this little one to grow inside me. I begged for my son to have a fair chance at life, a healthy life filled with all of the things you would want for your child - a mind, body and spirit fully cultivated and ready for this world. I surrendered myself, my health and my dreams of chubby cheeks - if only in exchange for a few precious weeks. I pleaded with my body to carry him, to support him and allow him to grow. I imagined God's plan, the plan that is already laid in front of us but which we cannot see and I want so badly for there to be a healthy baby there. A baby who was already so loved and now so much more, because this small miracle - with all of it's ups and downs - has made us realize that Jeremy and I are no longer content as two people and will not be complete without him.
I am greedy this holiday season, yet my wishlist has only one thing on it. I want to have a huge round belly ten weeks from now, filled to the brim with baby. I want to to able to feel and appreciate the absolute fullness of being nine months pregnant. I want to welcome my son into this world with joy and not fear. I want a complete journey for the two of us, a journey that only a mother can give.
Please keep us in the whispers of your hearts and minds, because your thoughts and prayers have afforded us three precious days and we're counting on more...82 more.
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Praying for you, and for both of our sons, that they continue to grow and flourish inside of us. Rest assured that you are doing all you can right now for him...and if your body decides to labor it is NOT YOUR FAULT. God has a plan for these boys, I am sure of that...and at 28 weeks, Tam, you are in good shape. Of course, prayers that he will continue cookin' even longer. :) When I hit 28 weeks, the doc encouraged me to focus on 30 weeks...when we hit that it was 32...now it's 34. At 36 weeks the doc will take me off meds and bedrest, and we'll let this little boy decide when he wants to meet us. You can do it! Bedrest is difficult and frustrating, and has been very hard for me, but I have my eyes on the prize and I know you do too! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking about and praying for you guys and your little boy. I know how scary it is to wonder if he'll stay put longer or come too soon, but you just keep doing what you're doing because that's the best thing for him. Stay resting, keep those feet up and just concentrate on baking that baby for as long as possible.
ReplyDeleteI am now convinced that little boys are a LOT of trouble and like to cause drama for their mommies. Maybe all this stress now means they'll be very chill teenagers later? We can only hope, I guess. :)
Hang in there, Tam!