Nursing through a loss

Once I found out that our pregnancy was not viable, my grief of carrying an empty sack was compounded by my frustrated nursling.

It took us seven months to conceive Owen, so when we decided to start trying for a second baby in my head I thought, "Sure, we can try... and I will still have seven more months to nurse Owen. He should wean himself by then..."  And when we were pregnant two weeks later I found myself in a panic about my 14-month old, the baby I have held in my arms every night and nursed to sleep. The baby that might look like a boy through the camera lens but when I glance down at him nursing, looks exactly the same as he did on the day he was born. No bigger, just as perfect. My baby Owen. 

I began reading everything I could get my hands on about nursing through pregnancy/ tandem nursing. I've met lots of mothers who have nursed a toddler and an infant and I wanted to do everything I could to preserve my nursing relationship with Owen. He nursed when he woke up, to sleep for nap, when he woke up from nap, and before bed. Sometimes he'd ask for an extra session or two if he was tired or teething - but four was pretty much the standard. Nursing a toddler is so different than nursing an infant. He talks to me mid-gulp and milk dribbles down his cheek. He wants me to sing to him, or count and he likes to put his stinky little toes in my face so that I'll rub them.  He pokes his chubby little fingers along my collar bone, or traces my face. Sometimes he wants to reach up and give me a hug while he's nursing, and sometimes he drifts off to sleep within a minute of latching on.  A lot of this changed when I got pregnant. 

I stopped taking fenugreek supplements to increase my supply and I stopped pumping. We talked extensively with our OB about my continuing to nurse and she felt it was completely safe for me to continue, especially in the first trimester and we would re-evaluate around 24 weeks if it was causing any contractions. By six weeks I saw a dramatic drop in my supply. With my increased sensitivity, his initial latch was a little painful but nothing unbearable (and nothing compared to the biting I endured with teething) but he grew impatient with the long delays for let downs (progesterone during pregnancy can effect milk let down and supply). It was taking up to ten minutes for me to let down and Owen would pop on-and-off trying to speed the process which became irritating. By seven weeks he refused to latch on my right because he wasn't willing to wait the ten minutes on that side for what little milk was left. He stopped asking for his morning nurse and arched his back and fussed or punched me during his nap/bedtime nursing because there wasn't enough milk to send him into a sleepy coma. 

At first I told myself that if a new baby brought about Owen's weaning than that was okay with me. I was willing to stick it out, and attempt to nurse them both once the baby was born or come to terms with him weaning (most women lose their milk by 20 weeks and the nursling is dry-nursing until colostrum comes in). Owen has always been about milk, milk, milk so I assumed once the milk was gone, his desire to nurse would be too.  But once I found out that our pregnancy was not viable my grief of carrying an empty sack was compounded by my frustrated nursling. I truly wanted to wait to miscarry on my own but as each week went by, I grew sadder, more exhausted and infuriated with my body.

At ten weeks with lingering pregnancy symptoms and no spotting or bleeding, I decided to have a D&C. I needed closure and I wanted to do everything in my power to bring my milk back. Within a day of the procedure I felt like a fog had been lifted from me. The sadness wasn't consuming me and slowly my milk supply was coming back. Owen was thrilled and asking to nurse 6-7 times a day but even with a renewed let down, he wasn't willing to latch on the right side. He hasn't nursed there since I was six weeks pregnant. For a while I dwelled on that, and started pumping again and cried. But my left breast was producing more than enough to fill him up and as his little eyelashes fluttered off to sleep I realized that we were still nursing.  It might only be on one side, but its enough for him so that should be enough for me. 

When I look in the mirror I see a lopsided mess (D cup and B cup) and then I think about how nursing Owen helped me get through losing a pregnancy. Every time I look down I am so incredibly thankful for him, to have a healthy baby in my arms. I love the rush of gooey Mama hormones I get with each session, and I sit just a little longer and rock, and rock and rock with him. He's back to nursing four solid times a day, a few extra times since he started walking and likes to connect with me after running around. I have it in the back of my mind that he'll probably wean between 18-20 months, but then again, I never thought he'd nurse for this long. My goal was one year but as each day, each feeding, passes I'm happy to wait until he shows me that he's ready to be done.

Would I nurse through a pregnancy again? I barely made it through one trimester and it was exhausting, and stressful and a little ouchy but the short answer is, yes. But I hope not have to do it again with Owen. I need a break and he needs his milk so I think we're in a happy place right now, just the two of us.

{One baby. one boob. one happy Mama}