Seven Months Old

Dearest Owen,

How has another month gone by so quickly? Our days of snuggles and kisses all blend together and in one blink I look at you and you are older. Bigger. Smarter. Everything a mother could ask for in a growing boy, but all happening so fast - too fast.

This month hasn't been as easy going as the previous one - thanks to your first tooth and teeth to come. Sure enough after three days of agony your bottom right tooth broke through on August 29th. You've bitten me with it three times already - but only once was on purpose. Its razor sharp and hurts Mama quite a bit. You are not a fan of teething my dear. On teething days, our afternoons are filled with inconsolable crying. You drool and suck on my shoulder and look at me with the saddest eyes- begging me to make it all better. I do my best sweet boy, I rock you and sing to you and wish away your pain until you are safe in dreamland. One tooth down, 19 more to go. ((shudder)) I am thankful that the only memories you will have of these painful afternoons are mine.

You offer up slobbery open mouth kisses to both Daddy and I now (and Elmo). Your Daddy was thrilled with this new development - he loves when you offer up kisses after he's had a long day at work. You've become more inquisitive about things out of your reach. You've started to grab for toys that I've placed far enough away to make you work for it. I'm content with you staying put for a while, because I know you will crawl when you are ready - and once you crawl you will not stop.

Your hair is growing in thicker and I swear your eyes get clearer and bluer by the minute. Your little cheeks are squishy and pink and the dimples on your knuckles are as deep as the grand canyon. You don't have a single mark on your body - not a freckle or birth mark. Nothing but pure, white baby soft skin. When I look at you - at how absolutely perfect you are - my heart soars. I have to remind myself that you are mine - that you are made up of all of the best that your Daddy and I had to offer (and lots of yummy milk!) It truly is amazing.

Yesterday, I laid you in the middle of our big, king bed while I walked three feet away from you to grab something in the bathroom. I heard you making some sort of noise and my heart stopped. I ran back into the room to find in that one minute you had rolled right over to the edge of the bed. There you were, propped up on your belly with a HUGE grin like, "Look at me Mama, look what I did!" I scooped you up, and I cried. You've been rolling for months here and there - what made me think you wouldn't roll off the bed?! I felt like a terrible mother and pictured you falling onto the hardwood floor over and over again in my mind. What if the sound that I heard was of you falling and not of you grunting with pride. What if? What if?  A million times over, WHAT IF?!

Being a Mama exposes a visceral vulnerability that I've never know. My job is to keep you safe, and in that moment I felt like a failure. I will NEVER leave you on the bed again. But what scares me the most is knowing that I will undoubtedly make another mistake. I'm only human. But I try, I try so hard to see the "what ifs" ahead of you, what could be and what should be. You are my greatest treasure and if I could keep you locked up so nothing bad could ever happen to you, I think I might consider it. But that would be a life without riding bikes, because of skinned knees or not eating candy because of cavities. You wouldn't want to live like that and I wouldn't want it for you. So we'll make a deal - I'll hold on to your bike seat and remind you to brush your teeth if you promise to be careful, to trust me, and to enjoy. Enjoy this life my little one - so many adventures await you. I'll do my best to anticipate before you stumble and hope that my prayers and vigilance are enough to keep you safe.

I love you my darling Owen - to the moon and back again. With all that I am, and all that I hope to be, I love you.

xo
Mama