The milky fog no one could ever prepare you for

Milk supply comes in anywhere between 48-72 hrs. I read that in plenty of places, but it never occurred to me that my baby would be born ready to eat - and I might not have enough to satisfy him.

The first 24 hrs Owen had no interest in eating or sucking. He was doing NOTHING. Turns out it was because he was totally backed up with meconium, and three bowl movements later he was finally interested in sucking. I had little to no colostrum and my wee babe would only latch on my right side, but became quickly frustrated with little reward. There was an ENORMOUS amount of support in our hospital from nurses to lactation consultants. I literally had no less than two people in my room at any given time (day or night) with their hands all over my breasts. But no matter how many people palpated my mamarries and critiqued on my bare nipples, there was barely a drop to drink. A nurse hooked me up to a hospital grade breast pump and told me to remember to tip the cups over to ensure that they filled. She cranked up the speed and left the room. After a half hour crying over empty cups, I removed the painful suction to find a small laceration on my right nipple. Sore nipple, hungry baby and empty cups. Bring. On. The. Tears.

Because O was born at 37 weeks, his bilirubin levels climbed. Common with early babies, bili levels peak late and plateau longer and I had a neon yellow baby. To further complicate things, he lost over 10% of his birth weight and became severely dehydrated. We had to finger feed with formula and supplement glucose water for hydration. He would only latch with a breast shield and while he is a great sucker, he is a very lazy eater. Seems my little boy doesn't want to work for it.

Although they discharged us both from the hospital, we had to take him to children's hospital on Sunday for a bili check and he finally plateaued without having to go under the lights. We were very close to a visit to the ER later that night night for a fluid bolus, after 48 hours without a poo, but our doctor had us give him a glycerine suppository and he FINALLY pooped.

We had to watch our newborn have blood drawn from his tiny heel three times.

We had to give our newborn a glycerine enema.

We had to finger feed formula 30cc at a time from a dropper just to avoid having to take our newborn to a germ infested emergency room.

I knew breastfeeding would be hard but I didn't imagine it would be THIS hard. I felt like such a failure to him and wondered if I was being selfish for wanting the bonding experience of feeding my baby from my own body. I spent ten weeks on bed rest brewing up a 7 lb 2 oz baby and now over half a pound had slipped away in three short days. When I heard there were concerns because my baby's mouth was bone dry - it crushed me. I contemplated giving up. I cried. A lot.

Dr. K came to see me my last afternoon in the hospital. He walked into the room to find a sobbing, inconsolable mommy.

"I know this is hard, it was hard for my wife too and she felt just as helpless. But your milk will come in and things will turn around. Your little boy is a fighter. Owen came out yelling before I even cut the chord - I can't say that happens a lot. Hang in there, it will get better."

My milk came in after 92 hours and I was engorged up to my neck.

He began to feed vigorously like a 24 hour Vegas buffet. Now we just need to get him weaned off the breast shield and latching to me on his own. Pumping is still off to a slow start, but I'm going to give myself time.

Today at our weight check, O weighed in at a whopping 7 lbs 1 oz - ONLY ONE OUNCE away from his birth weight!!

We're getting there, and watching my baby's ears wiggle as he nurses is one of the great joys of my life right now.