Twelve Months Old - Happy Birthday, My Love

Dearest Owen,

It sounds so cliche to say that I cannot believe you are ONE,  but time has truly snuck up on us and I am stunned, and proud and full of joy today. I have been writing this letter to you over and over again in my mind for weeks now, and nothing - no words can ever describe how special this year has been. I think about how you won't have any true memories of this time, and I hope that as you page through the letters and pictures you'll get a glimpse of what what it felt like to be a brand new family of three. I hope you see how incredibly loved you are, how much in love the three of us are. 

For a while I was overcome with sadness when I wrote these letters to you. I felt like time had slipped away from us and those moments of your babyness were gone forever. In the last month, seeing you thrive and move and talk, I realized I did revel in your newness and kissed every tiny toe again and again but a child (a toddler) brings reciprocal joy that bounces off the walls of our apartment. Watching you explore your world, mimic sounds and learn new things fills me with delight. You are pure sweetness, you are calm and patient. You are curious but cautious. You love to be read to, sung to and talked to. You try your very best to repeat my words, to use a spoon, to stand on your own. Every time you play with a familiar toy or book you do it with such purpose and excitement, it is as if it were the first time. You don't like cottage cheese or having your face washed, but you're pretty amenable to almost anything else. You have surprised us with your adaptability more times than we can count. You are a wonderful sleeper and a trying eater. You reach each milestone in your own time, at your own pace.

One year ago, at 5:32am, I became a mother and everything else I've ever accomplished in life pales in comparison to this role. I'll admit, we didn't have an easy start but you showed me the way and every day we grow closer and learn more about one another. I have been so incredibly lucky to spend this past year at home with you. I've watched you drift off to sleep for every bedtime, every nap. I've held you close and watched you grow bigger and bigger in my arms as the weeks past us by. In your eyes, I am perfect. I have been your comfort, your home, your food. Your head resting on my skin is your safe place. You look for me, you reach for me, you never stray far from me. You are my constant companion. You don't have the ability to see my flaws yet, even on my bad days you greet me with the same smile. You don't care if I went to college or have money, you don't even care if I shower! You don't know about my shortcomings yet, because as you'll learn, I've got plenty of them. For now, I'm everything you need. Being your perfect person has changed me. It has made me want to be better at everything I do and everything I am.  I cry more, I worry more, I pray more. I have a sense of inner peace and womanly confidence. All because of you.

Your Daddy is smitten too, in his own way. His job keeps him away from you more than he'd like but does his best to rush home and catch you before bedtime. I see tears in his eyes as he watches you read your books or speak new words. You are equally as enamored with him and the second he walks in the room your eyes light up and you cover his face in your sloppy kisses. You two have a special bond, he tickles you in just the right places to make you giggle (a rarity for you, my serious boy) and you say things with him you never do around me. I love that you share these things just the two of you and I know your bond will only grow stronger with time.

Looking ahead I see so much for the three of us. I am excited for springtime to come and for you to walk around in the grass and have the sun shine on your face. I am also overwhelmed at times when I think of all the "parenting" ahead of me. Changing diapers and sleep schedules seem so elementary when compared with the task of raising a strong, confident boy. I want you to know empathy and compassion. I hope that you will be grateful enough to hand-write your thank you notes and remember what my favorite pie is (...blueberry). More than anything else I want you to know you are loved beyond measure and second to marrying your Daddy, the best thing that has ever happened to me.

If I could, I would scoop up all of the stars in the sky and place them one by one into the night until they spelled out 'Happy Birthday Dear Owen' for everyone to see. I want to shout it from the rooftops that my little boy is ONE! My heart is bursting today and I might just smother you in kisses before you even open your eyes.

I love you with all that I am, but you know that already. 

xo
Mama