Sad baby, Sad Mama

Today I rocked my baby to sleep for the very first time.

The wonderment of childbirth hormones is that they truly make you superhuman after baby is born. This Mama superpower allows you to go night after night with no sleep while tending to the every need of this brand new person trying to adjust to the outside world. Unfortunately, after a while, your superpower wears off. The hormones are gone for the most part and repeated wakings make you feel like you've laid down in oncoming traffic. Last night Owen didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time before waking up with the saddest cries. I feel like I've been run over in the middle of rush hour.

Unfortunately, we've come to the conclusion that the flu shot has gotten the best of baby Owen. His crying was different today, panting and deeper - almost begging me to help him.

I put him in the exersaucer so I could fix breakfast for myself and immediately he raised his arms up for me to get him out. So once the stove portion was ready he sat on my lap, sobbed and swatted at my cereal bowl. His morning nap consisted of me nursing him for an hour and him dosing in and out of sleep and fuss.

I this afternoon I tried to put him on his playmat but he cried and held onto my shirt. All day he wanted to be held. He nuzzled his face in my neck and sucked on my shoulder. And sobbed. I tried to nurse him for an afternoon nap but he wanted nothing to do with it - crying louder. I thought to myself, "I don't know what to do with you. I have no idea right now."

I went into the nursery and closed the shades. I turned on the soft hum of the air purifier and gave him a dose of Tylenol. I sat with him in the rocking chair and after pushing off me and flailing around he finally, FINALLY drifted off to sleep. Owen has never let me rock him to sleep before. I sat there for 30 minutes trying so hard not to move a single muscle except for rocking back and forth and back and forth. He startled after his short nap and I brought him into our bed and nursed him back to sleep. He nursed for an hour and half and then woke up with a wimper and a smile.

We went to Target just to get out of the house tonight and when we arrived back home Daddy was back. He scooped up our boy and immediately noticed his fever. Owen gave his Daddy a few weapy smiles as a greeting. We gave him another dose of Tylenol and his fever broke leaving him cold and clammy, but thankfully after nursing he was finally able to find peaceful sleep.

I am kicking myself for doing this to him. The pediatrician was really pushing for it since he was already getting shots - but I should have declined. Flu season isn't for MONTHS and he could have had it at his 9 month visit when there weren't any vaccines. Now I have a feverish, inconsolable baby AND I have to go back in 30 days for a second dose of it.

I know I am lucky to have gone this long without experiencing a sick little baby - but I felt so incredibly helpless today. I wished Jeremy was home and then dismissed the idea because even if he were home - Owen would still have wanted me. My back is aching and my arms are so tired from consoling my 17+ pound boy today. But I wouldn't have it any other way. And when he finally gave in to the rocking and let sleep take away his cries, for a small quiet moment I actually felt like a good Mama.

At the end of the day, I guess we have to celebrate those tiny successes. That and pray that tomorrow is a better day for both of us. Goodnight sweet baby, sleep tight.