A room of your own

When we brought Owen home from the hospital, I was obsessed with watching him breath (still am). The cosleeper was the perfect arrangement and Jeremy got me a video monitor for when we weren't with him. We both stare intently at it periodically, just to make sure his little chest is rising and falling as it should.  Owen preferred to sleep with white noise so we had a waves CD on repeat playing in our room. I bought a set of touch lamps for the nursery but we liked them so much that we also bought a set for our room. In order for me to see Owen at night, we kept the touch lamp on dim. My husband and I went from the couple who needed complete darkness and silence to sleep (we had blackout shades and used to complain that our fan made a hum or we could hear the cat walking) to new parents WHO SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON AND A WHITE NOISE CD PLAYING.

Teething has made a mess out of Owen's sleep schedule both during the day and at night. Nights have gotten particularly bad. We'll have three days in a row where he sleeps from 8pm-8am and the next night - hourly wakings. He's also caught onto the fact that Mama is in the bed right next to him and if he makes even the slightest peep, I scoop him up and feed him - usually half asleep. Three nights ago I was feeding him, both of us were pretty much asleep and he bit me. Sleeping Mama has SLOW reflexes so unlatching him was a sloppy mess. He didn't even wake up. I put him back in the cosleeper and then couldn't get back to sleep myself because my nipple felt like it had just been run through a paper shredder.

Two nights ago, his waking pattern went something like this 11p, 12a, 1a, 2a, 245a and by the time the 245a cries started I realized - Owen wants to sleep with me now. Who wouldn't want to nuzzle up close to Mama and dine at the 24 hour milky buffet? And while this is lovely for some people, I cannot do it. I cannot fully relax and sleep when O is actually in the bed with me, not to mention balancing on my side to offer him food but not suffocate him ;)  Our bed is just too high off the ground and full of a VERY, VERY tired Daddy. Not the place for a rolly, wiggly baby.

So last night I knew I would have to transition him to the nursery. For the better part of the last six months the crib has served as a glorified play pen and laundry basket. Owen has been taking naps in there for a few weeks now, but has never slept in there overnight.  Until last night. All day I was dreading bedtime. I used to look forward to putting him down in the cosleeper and then climbing into bed next to him a few hours later. I looked forward to our night feedings, when it was just he and I - warm and cuddly. But last night was different. I nursed him to sleep in the glider and carefully laid him down in his crib. I sang him his prayers and just stared at my dreamy boy. He looked so small in that big huge crib I just wanted to climb in next to him and snuggle him up.

I put the touch lamp on dim in his nursery and turned on the air purifier to provide a soft hum of white noise for him. I lifted him out at 11:30pm for his dream feed and he didn't even open his eyes - just nursed happily in his sleep and snuggled back down on his mattress. I climbed into bed and stared at the empty cosleeper. Jeremy was on call so the room was extra empty. I kept the dim light on, because I didn't have the heart to turn it off. I was even tempted to turn on the white noise CD but the hum from the video monitor on my nightstand helped cut the silence. My heart was so sad that this era was over, I missed having him there beside me. I had every intention of transitioning him to his own room at four months, but I just never got around to it as time passed, I grew to love having him there more and more. I knew he was telling me that he was ready for his big boy room, but I WASN'T READY. I have slept with my son next to me for six and a half months. Every single night of his life I was within arms reach, and now, walls - WALLS AND DOORS between us! I sobbed myself to sleep last night and my baby slept peacefully until 5:30am. As soon as I heard a peep out of him, I rushed in and scooped him up. I changed his diaper and brought him into bed with me for his morning feeding. Back to sleep we went, snuggling soundly until 8am.

I know some of you may be reading this thinking that babies sleep in nurseries all the time or more so that babies BELONG in a nursery - but having Owen in our room always just felt right to us. I am thankful that I have the most supportive husband who never pushed and has done so many things to accommodate my crazy new Mama tendencies. This afternoon when he came home from work I told him Owen slept through the night in the nursery. I also confessed that I cried myself to sleep with the light on. This was his reply,

"Our boy seems to be amazing at raising himself. Nipple shield - done. Swaddling - done. Cosleeper - done. Is there anything we can actually take credit for? I think this one was harder on you than it was on him."

This one was definitely harder on me. I can't breath in his sweet baby smell in the middle of the night anymore and his little smile isn't the first thing I see when I open my eyes each morning.  But if there is one thing we've learned about our son it's that he determines when he will do things - no matter how ready (or not ready) we are. I know he won't always sleep through the night and he will still call out for me if he is hungry. We have more teething and growth spurts to look forward to and something tells me there might be nights that he revisits the cosleeper. But for now, I am trying to focus on the fact that this is providing more (quality) sleep for both of us and a more rested Mama is a better Mama for Owen. And now I can look forward to his first morning whimpers when I wrap him up in my arms and bring him to bed with me to finish out our slumber together. One day I will tell him the story about what a sap his Mama is and how having him sleep next to us changed us forever.

I'm off to join Jeremy in bed, he's sleeping soundly - with the light on.